Local Dad’s “Quick Trip to Hardware Store” Enters Third Hour, Family Fears Worst
LANCASTER, PA
The florist is here, the photographer is here, and the arch is still in pieces on the lawn.
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52 dispatches
World
Honeybees Demand Reparations For 30,000 Years Of Stolen Honey
GENEVA
Representatives of the world’s honeybee population issued a formal demand for reparations Monday, claiming humanity owes a massive settlement to compensate for approximately 30,000 years of stolen honey.
Cable News Declares Clancy Mistrial Both a Stunning Victory and a Crushing Defeat for Absolute Certainty
ATLANTA
Within minutes of a Massachusetts judge declaring a mistrial in the Lindsay Clancy case, cable news declared the outcome a stunning victory for everyone who had already…
Voters Go On Break After Long Stretch Of Watching House Not Work
EVERYWHERE
Constituents across the United States announced a civic recess Friday, citing exhaustion from monitoring a House of Representatives that had already recessed after a…
Study: Majority Of Chatbots Will Replace Customer Support With A Pastor By 2028
SILICON VALLEY
A new industry study projects that by 2028 most customer-support chatbots will be replaced by pastors, citing better hold-music outcomes and a measurable drop in users…
Satirists Confirm Judging A Religion By Its Worst Members Is Fine, Provided It's Someone Else's Religion
NASHVILLE
Editors at a leading Christian satire website confirmed Tuesday that it is entirely fair to judge a religion by the actions of its worst members, provided the religion…
Progressive Mother Devastated After Son Comes Out As Straight
EVANSTON, IL
Local mother Meredith Albright-Cole, 44, was reportedly inconsolable Thursday after her 17-year-old son sat the family down and came out as straight.
Biotech Startup Combines Every Toad Genome, Produces Several Giant Toads
AUSTIN, TX
Biotech startup Gargantua Biosciences announced Tuesday that it has produced several giant toads by combining the genomes of every known toad species into a single…